I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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