As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
