I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
