i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Why can't burritos get me drunk
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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