dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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