Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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