Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
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I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!