I cannot find my penis.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
