I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
