sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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