My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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