wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
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Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
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She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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