I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
