we're chasing vodka with high fives
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
