Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
