The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Randomize
