I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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