I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
