Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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