I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
