i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
