Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
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I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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