Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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