Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
