Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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