Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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