he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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