the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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