i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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