there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
