John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
