morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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