Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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