She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
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Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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