My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Randomize
