i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
