yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
i think i just lost a toe
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
