"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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