i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
