the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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