no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
