the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
