every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
