So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize