We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
