My liver just broke up with me...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
