You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
