My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
