just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
