My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
