I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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