the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
