She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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