i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
