my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
