If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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