I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
